Kindness and love should always prevail and if a person wants to be great in the kingdom of God then you must be the servant of all. This is what I had been taught for most of my life by those in the church. I had also been taught that God had a plan for each of our lives and we should strive to fulfill that plan, regardless of what others wanted or thought of us. These were the kind of words that came from my pastor, Jeff Perry, from the very first day he started the new church that jumped to thousands of congregants within just a few years. However, as the years rolled on and the pressures of leading a large church took its toll on this young pastor, his beliefs changed. Though he would keep giving lip service to his old way of thinking, his actions would say otherwise; leaving those of us in leadership to wonder what our spiritual leader considered proper. We would make decisions we thought the pastor would condone based on what he said he believed, but would be harshly chastised when we found that he actually believed something else. We would constantly find ourselves second-guessing everything we did. Slowly and subtly the focus shifted; we were now to serve our pastor and by doing so we were serving God. This led to a new system full of intrigue and backstabbing as those in leadership would try to be the best servant to the king of the castle.

I had not allowed myself to become part of the system that constantly tried to force itself upon me though I continued to serve my church in various capacities. I organized and worked in the children's ministry, opened my house for weekly bible studies and served in various areas of leadership. I then served on foreign soil for four years where my husband pastored a church. This was done, for the most part, with a gracious spirit because of my desire to help others. The commitment to not allow myself to be a part of this system meant everything to me, and I was determined to live my life in a different way than the examples I had seen.

But this system, with all of its glitz and glamour, has a way of drawing into its grasps even those with the most noble of intentions. The lure of acceptance by the king of the castle and the seducing strokes of power and fame are more temptation than most can bear without falling into its trap. This was one trap that I would find myself caught in and escape would prove to cost me a high price.

After all of my travels, I returned to St. Louis. Upon my return to my home church, St. Louis Family Church (SLFC), I noticed the absence of quite a lot of people who, like myself, had been a part of this church from the beginning. All of the new members filled in the empty spots quite nicely and no one even mentioned those who were missing. I knew the politics of this system well enough to know that one does not question such things too much or you are thought to be a traitor. Knowing some of these missing members personally, I also knew that there was conflict between them and the Pastor for various reasons. There seemed to be quite a lot of conflict surrounding the Pastor and others, but it was thought proper to excuse all others points of view in lieu of Pastor's. That is exactly what I did and tried to give little thought as to what had become of those who were no longer a part of the church. Looking back, it would seem that I had already stepped on top of the net and all that was needed was for someone to close the trap around me. 

A large church of three thousand members requires a lot of volunteer help even under the most normal of circumstances; however, with a famed speaker coming to preach every night for at least a week and possibly more, volunteers were needed in abundance. This is how I found myself in one of the many offices of the church doing whatever work they needed me to do. I had known most of those in the office for many years. We attended church together, had children the same age and some had even celebrated holidays with my family. I felt quite comfortable around these friends and the fact that I had been in this office quite frequently made this more like play than work. There was, of course, the ever-constant presence of the tyrannical system. I often wondered if we were serving God or a man. I had seen adult men jump in fear to bow at the beckon of Pastor Jeff. All of the castle servants knew their place well and did not dared to undermine or question their king. Loyalty was given to the king and no one else.

As I made phone calls, shuffled papers and mailed announcements of the upcoming meeting, I felt quite happy. It was nice to be around old friends again after being gone from St. Louis for so long. The voices that came and went in the hall outside the door of the office were all familiar voices. I listened to the air conditioning kick on and put my hair up to get it off of my neck. It was getting a little stuffy with the sun shining through my window. As I got up to close the blind, a church secretary who was also a friend stepped into the room and asked if I would follow her to my next task. We chatted as we walked down the corridor to the supply room where on the table was a large stack of printed labels. The labels were for the announcements of the first week of meetings and I was to simply label them for mailing. As the secretary gave me instructions, she looked at the stack of labels sitting on the counter. The first page of labels revealed the names of a married couple that were among those who were missing and considered to be traitors. She looked back up at me and said, "Just remove their name from the list before you start".

Back in the room with my task at hand, I sat staring at one label. My requirement was not a difficult one, simply remove the label and throw it away. But instead, I sat staring at it in silence. The label represented more than mere nameless faces. In fact, the names belonged to friends, Brad & Debbie Amundson. This was not just any couple; it was two people who had long been an intricate part of the church. They had been there when the church first started. Debbie had led the singing part of the services for years. She had toiled most of her days furthering the cause of the church. In fact, the king of this castle had been her Pastor for eighteen years before she and her husband were shown the door to leave. They had not wanted to leave. In fact, all they wanted was to share the gift of singing worship to God with others around the world. This had been a long time dream and desire of theirs and it was one for which she was extremely gifted. In fact, she had a voice that would make angels jealous. It was as if God had blessed her with such a voice that had to be heard by more than just the few people gathered at this one church. Debbie felt she was to do more. However, when they told the Pastor of their intentions to take this gift around the world, the king would hear nothing of it. His servants were to serve him alone and any desire to go beyond his kingdom was considered to be high treason. 

I sat tortured in spirit. I knew full well what the outcome would be if I pleaded my case before the king, he would find someone else to tear the label off and throw it away. I would then be considered a traitor to the crown and sent into exile with all of the others. I did not want to leave the dear friends of this church. Besides, I was told that by serving the king of this castle and helping him with his vision, I was also serving God. What a noble purpose! Oh, why did this label have to be on top? Couldn't their names have started with any other letter than 'A'? Would it truly be pleasing and serving God to toss them aside with their label? 

After wrestling with contradicting emotions for more than ten minutes, the decision was finally made. I tore the label off of the sheet, folded it in half and tossed it into the trashcan. I watched as it fell. It was done. My conscience screamed from within and tears welled up in my eyes. I was now part of the system. The trap had closed around me and I was the buzzard who just picked away another piece of innocence from someone. Indeed, from a friend. 

The big meetings went on as scheduled and St. Louis Family Church (SLFC) got its fifteen minutes of fame within the Word of Faith movement. Those who visited were treated like royalty so they raved about how the volunteers had such servant's hearts. If they only knew that our service was not by choice but out of fear of rejection by the king. I continued to serve in many other areas; however, I kept this small event at the front of my mind whenever I encountered similar instances. 

The day came, of course, when I was the one who was missing. Whenever the king feels his throne is in jeopardy, he does what he must to ensure its safety. When I seemed to become that threat, just like so many others had before, I too was ushered to the door. I have often wondered if one of my friends, maybe one of those I had over for Thanksgiving dinner or the one who cried on my shoulders because of the cruelty of the king, has ever had to throw away a label with my name on it. And I wonder if they faced the same soulful turmoil that I had faced. I would like to think so. But what I wonder most is this; do they know that they are next?

Founder and Editor of Charismatic Reform Journal © 2000, Charismatic Reform Journal